Expectations: How They Bind Us, How They Hurt Us, and How to Heal

Ever noticed that subtle, sinking feeling when someone you care about didn’t meet the expectations you carried—maybe without even realizing you had them? It’s like casting a spell without speaking the words, leaving those intentions to swirl unspoken in the ether.

We all carry expectations: of our partners, our families, our friends, even of strangers. Sometimes they’re subtle, sometimes loud — but when they remain unspoken, they can entangle our hearts and build walls where we crave connection.

It’s also worth noting that some expectations — even ones we hold with the best of intentions — aren’t truly fair for us to place on others. Learning to recognize which expectations come from our own needs (or fears) rather than the other person’s path can bring freedom, compassion, and deeper relationships.

Let’s explore how to navigate these silent expectations, especially in relationships that matter most, and how to transform disappointment into understanding, compassion, and freedom.

🔮 Why Being Mindful of Expectations Matters in Magick and Spiritual Practice

In magick and the occult, personal development isn’t just self-help — it’s spellwork for the soul. Every expectation we hold (spoken or unspoken) shapes our energy, relationships, and manifestation flow. Releasing expectations that no longer serve us — or that aren’t ours to hold — is an act of energetic hygiene, clearing the way for our intentions and magick to flourish.

While expectations are often considered in the context of relationships, healing, and personal growth, they also deeply influence our spiritual practice and the energy we bring into our magickal work.

🌟 Different Kinds of Expectations

Expectations weave through every part of our lives, shaping how we show up for ourselves, others, and even the world around us. Recognizing these different kinds can help us untangle where they come from and how they affect us.

✨ Expectations We Hold on Ourselves

• These are the standards, goals, and ideals we set for who we think we “should” be. They can inspire growth but also breed self-criticism and burnout.

✨ Expectations We Hold on Others

• These are the silent (or spoken) hopes we place on those around us — partners, family, friends, coworkers. They often arise from our own needs and values but can become burdensome if left unspoken or misaligned.

✨ Expectations That Aren’t Ours to Hold

• These are the expectations placed on us by others (like family traditions, cultural norms, or societal roles) that may not align with our own truth.
• They can also be the expectations we place on others because we think we know what’s best for them. Even when it comes from love, it’s not always our role to direct someone else’s path.

✨ Expectations from the World

• These are the subtle (and sometimes loud) pressures from society, media, or community that tell us how we “should” look, act, or live.

🌿 Knowing which type of expectation you’re dealing with is the first step to transforming it — or letting it go.

🌱 The Nature of Expectations: Seeds of Disappointment

Expectations often grow from seeds planted deep within us—shaped by family traditions, past experiences, and the roles we’ve learned to play. Sometimes they’re cultural: “Good families don’t question what’s always been done,” or “Partners should always know how to comfort us.” Other times, they’re shaped by personal values and how we’d naturally show up for others.

✨ Example: You might expect your partner to comfort you with gentle words after a long day—yet they respond with solutions or practical advice. Or you might hope a relative will respect your boundaries at family gatherings, but instead, they question your parenting or challenge your choices.

Expectations are often silent contracts we write in our minds but forget to share with others. They can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings—not because others are unkind, but because they simply didn’t know.

✨ Before we move on, take a moment to ask yourself: Where did your expectations come from? Family patterns? Old wounds? Past experiences that taught you what to expect? Understanding the roots of your expectations is the first step to transforming them.

💔 Why Unspoken Expectations Lead to Disappointment (and Sometimes Resentment)

When expectations remain unspoken, a silent tension grows—a tangled web of hope, hurt, and assumption. The mind might swirl with thoughts like:

• They should have known I needed that—why didn’t they?
• I always go out of my way for them; don’t they care enough to do the same?
• Can’t they see how important this is to me?

These unspoken expectations build cognitive dissonance—a state where our inner desires clash with the reality we experience.¹ Left unchecked, that dissonance hardens into resentment—an emotional weight that drains our energy and distances us from those we care about.

🌙 Energy Drain Example: Imagine hoping your friend will show up for a milestone celebration, but they don’t prioritize it. You didn’t tell them how important their presence was, but in your heart, you hoped they’d just know. That quiet disappointment can fester, turning from a small hurt into a heavy burden.

✨ Insight: Unmet expectations often come from a deep desire for connection. Naming those expectations—first to yourself—can bring clarity and soften the emotional charge.

🌿 Expectations That Aren’t Ours to Hold

Sometimes we hold expectations of others that aren’t truly ours to place—expectations that reflect our own beliefs, fears, or comfort zones rather than what’s right for their journey. Even when our intentions are loving and we truly care about someone—as a parent, partner, or friend—it’s still not our role to shape their path according to our wishes.

✨ Examples of Expectations That Aren’t Ours to Hold:

• Parenting Choices: Expecting others (especially family or friends) to raise their children exactly as we would. Assuming our way of comforting or teaching is the only way, even if it may not fit their child’s needs or family dynamics.
• Health and Wellness: Expecting others to eat or move the way we do—whether that’s following certain dietary choices, exercise routines, or wellness practices. Judging them for not adopting the same lifestyle or health philosophies that we follow.
• Spiritual or Religious Practices: Expecting others to share our beliefs, rituals, or traditions—or practice spirituality in the same way. Feeling disappointed when they choose a different path or none at all.
• Life Milestones: Expecting others to hit major milestones on your timeline—like buying a house, moving cities, or achieving certain career goals—and feeling disappointed if they choose a different pace or path. Assuming that “success” looks the same for everyone.
• Emotional Processing: Expecting others to process emotions or challenges in the same way we do—like wanting them to talk things out when they need space, or vice versa. Assuming they “should” handle stress or setbacks in the same way we would.
• Friendship and Support: Expecting a friend to always respond immediately or be available at a moment’s notice—without considering their own commitments, energy levels, or boundaries. Assuming they know how to support you intuitively, without sharing what you need.

🕯️ Why It’s Not Yours to Hold

✨ It’s Rooted in Control, Not Love: Even when expectations come from a place of care, they can quietly become controlling if we expect others to live or act a certain way—especially if that way reflects our own fears, comfort zones, or past conditioning.

✨ It Disrespects Their Autonomy: Every soul’s path is unique. When we place our expectations on others—especially without their consent or input—it can make them feel judged, unseen, or pressured to live up to something that doesn’t align with their truth.²

✨ It Creates Energetic Entanglements: In magick and energy work, expectations can create cords or ties that drain energy and block flow—both yours and theirs. Releasing these expectations is like a cord-cutting ritual for the heart, freeing you both to walk your own paths.

✨ It Distracts from Your Own Growth: Every time you invest energy in managing someone else’s journey, you divert energy from your own magick, healing, and transformation. Letting go of expectations that aren’t yours to hold invites you to reclaim your power and focus on your own soul’s work.

🌸 Affirmation: “I release the expectations I hold on others that are not mine to carry. I trust their journey and honor their right to choose their own path.”

🌿 It’s important to remember: While we’re reflecting on the expectations we place on others, we also need to protect ourselves from expectations placed on us that don’t align with our values or truth. Boundaries help us navigate both sides—respecting others’ journeys and honoring our own.

🌿 Expectations We Hold on Ourselves

The expectations we hold on ourselves often run deeper than any others. These are the standards and ideals we set for who we think we “should” be, how we “should” show up, and how fast we “should” grow. They can inspire growth but can also breed self-criticism, burnout, and a sense that we’re never enough.

✨ Remember: You are a living, breathing soul—not a checklist to be completed.

🌸 When Expectations Are Healthy and Helpful

Not all expectations are harmful. When both parties communicate and agree on what’s expected, they can strengthen trust and clarity. Healthy expectations grow from mutual respect and shared understanding, not from silent contracts, guilt trips, or pressure. They support relationships by making needs visible, while still honoring each person’s autonomy and boundaries.

On the other hand, the expectations that aren’t ours to hold — the ones we place on others out of control or fear, or the ones others place on us without consent — are rarely healthy or helpful. If you try to impose expectations that fall into that category, you risk damaging your relationship with the person you hold them over, even if they never say it out loud.

🌿 The Consequences of Holding Expectations

Holding expectations—whether they’re unspoken, unconscious, or even well-intentioned—can have hidden costs for our relationships and our own well-being.

✨ On Our Relationships:

• Creates Pressure and Strain: People may feel like they’re always failing you, even if they didn’t know what was expected.
• Breeds Resentment and Distance: When others can’t meet expectations they didn’t agree to, it can build walls instead of bridges.
• Limits Authentic Connection: Expecting someone to show up exactly how you want them to prevents you from appreciating them as they truly are.

✨ On Ourselves:

• Drains Our Energy: Carrying expectations—especially those that aren’t ours to hold—takes up emotional space and saps our energy.
• Creates Emotional Turmoil: We might feel hurt, angry, or even guilty when others don’t meet our unspoken hopes.
• Blocks Growth: Some expectations come from old patterns or external pressures, keeping us stuck instead of growing into our truest selves.³

🕯️ Reflection: Ask yourself: Is this expectation truly mine to hold? Does it come from love—or from fear and control?

🌿 Expectations vs. Boundaries: Knowing the Difference

It’s easy to confuse expectations with boundaries, but they’re not the same — and understanding the difference can transform how you relate to others and yourself.

✨ Expectations are about how we want others to behave or show up for us. They often come from our own beliefs, needs, or fears — and they can become controlling if we expect others to fulfill them without clear communication or agreement.

✨ Boundaries, on the other hand, are about how we show up for ourselves. They’re the lines we draw to protect our energy, values, and emotional well-being — regardless of how others behave. Boundaries honor our needs without trying to control anyone else’s choices.⁴

🌙 Example:
Expectation: I expect my friend to call me every day when I’m having a hard time.
Boundary: I choose to limit my time with people who don’t check in with me during difficult times. I’ll prioritize relationships that feel supportive.

🕯️ Boundaries empower us to take responsibility for our own energy. Expectations often hand that power to someone else — and disappointment follows when they don’t meet them.

✨ The Gifts of Releasing Expectations

When we choose to release expectations—both the ones we hold on others and those that aren’t ours to hold—we open the door to healing, liberation, and authentic connection.

• More Authentic Relationships: You get to meet others where they are, free from trying to shape them.
• Greater Freedom and Ease: Letting go of expectations feels like setting down a heavy pack. Suddenly, there’s space to breathe and move freely.
• More Energy for What Matters: Without the drain of unmet hopes, you can invest in your passions, dreams, and growth.
• Personal Growth and Spiritual Alignment: Releasing expectations invites you to trust life’s unfolding, your intuition, and your own soul’s path.

✨ Ritual Tip: Picture each expectation you release as a feather, rising on the wind—light, free, and no longer yours to carry.

🔑 How to Release and Heal: Journaling, Communication, and Rituals

Bringing expectations into the light is like dispelling a spell that no longer serves—freeing both yourself and those around you. Here’s how to begin:

• ✨ Journaling Magick: Write down all the expectations you hold—no judgment, just honesty. Circle the ones that feel most important. Ask: Have I shared these? Reflect on which expectations feel heavy and which might be someone else’s projections.
• ✨ Gentle Communication: Use “I” statements: “I feel supported when we share in planning together.” Start with smaller expectations and build confidence before diving into deeper needs.
• ✨ Release Ritual: Write the expectations on paper and burn, bury, or tear them up. Hold a crystal and visualize the expectation leaving your body like a fog, dissolving into the Universe.
• ✨ ND-Friendly Alternatives: For sensory-sensitive folks: use essential oils or hold a soft object, visualizing the expectations drifting away.

🌸 Affirmation: “I release expectations that no longer serve me. I trust others to walk their own path as I honor mine.”

🔍 Common Questions & Reader Reflections

✨ “What if I can’t share my expectations with them directly?”
Acknowledge them for yourself. Sometimes, naming them internally is enough to shift your energy.

✨ “How do I tell the difference between a healthy expectation and one that’s draining me?”
Ask: Does this expectation inspire trust, or does it feel heavy and controlling?

✨ “Can I still feel disappointed even if I’m self-aware?”
Yes—self-awareness helps you navigate disappointment; it doesn’t erase it. Be gentle with yourself.

✨ “What if I keep trying to let go but resentment comes back?”
That’s natural. Letting go is a practice—like tending a garden. Each time you choose release, you create more space for love and growth.

✨ Carrying This Forward

Unspoken expectations are like hidden threads in the tapestry of our relationships—sometimes they weave beauty, other times they tangle us in knots. By bringing them into the light—through reflection, communication, and ritual—we free ourselves to walk our path with more grace, compassion, and authenticity.

✨ Which expectations are you ready to release today? Share your reflections below and let’s journey toward freedom together.

📚 Sources

1. Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
2. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
3. Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
4. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.